


If you die... thats on me.

by RioRiley



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cancer, Sick Peter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 15:19:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16746481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RioRiley/pseuds/RioRiley
Summary: Peter Parker comes back from *the snap* and something about his body is different. He finds, when its too late to fix, that he has Cancer. Hes dying. And Tony blames himself for everything, as usual.





	If you die... thats on me.

Life isn't fair. That's just the way it is. It doesn't matter if you are the greatest person in the world. It doesn't matter if youve saved not only New York, but Earth, on several occasions. It doesn't matter if you are the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, or a valued member of the avengers. It doesn't matter how much Tony loves him, Peter, is still dying. There's cancer, spread throughout his body, and not a thing he, or Stephen Strange, or Bruce Banner, can do about it. If they had found it earlier, they could have fixed it. Peter could be just fine, if someone had noticed a year ago, that something was wrong. But no one noticed. Tony didn't notice, and that's on him.

Peter had asked Stephen to give him a solid check up. Maybe it was his enhanced senses that told him something was wrong, but Tony would give anything for someone to have noticed sooner. They're sitting in the lab, when Stephen's expression turns cold. 

“What is it Strange?” Tony asks blatantly.

“There's an abnormality in his bone marrow.” Stephen says matter of factly.

“There's nothing normal about Pete. What's alarming?” Tony says, even though he knows what Stephen will say.

Stephen walks over to Tony and Peter, with a print from his microscope. It's an ultra close up of Peters marrow. Tony, although a genius, does not see any problems off the bat. 

“It's cancer.” Peter says quietly. He's stunned, and shocked. But most of all, he is absolutely terrified.

“We need to get you to an actual hospital.” Tony says quietly, sounding completely and utterly defeated.

The cancer most likely happened, when Peter, along with half of the population, re-materialized after the events caused by Thanos. Stephen says his body must have reacted poorly to the materialization. Tony hates that he didn't notice. He hates that he let all of the obvious symptoms slide. He hates that he passed Peters constant aches off as growing pains. Maybe if he had taken it more seriously, Peter wouldn't be dying. Maybe if he had paid more attention than Peter wouldn't have had to go through chemotherapy and radiation. Maybe he would have been able to graduate high school. Maybe he wouldn't be dying.

In true Tony Stark fashion, Tony blames himself, for all of this.

It's Summer when they find out Peter is sick. They find out he's probably dying. They put him through treatments. They make him feel horrible. They make him want to die. They poison him, and expose him to radiation, hoping to make him better before the treatments kill him sooner than the cancer itself. It's summer and almost all of Peter's friends are on vacation. Except Ned. Ned is with him when he shaves his brown hair away. That's the last time Ned visits him. Peter prefers it that way. He'd rather Ned remember him like this, than remember him the way He'd going to be a few months from now.

Deep down though, underneath the part of Peter that would give anything to protect the people around him, he wishes Ned would have stayed with him. He knows Ned isn't coming, because deep down inside he is afraid of seeing Peter the way he is. Deep down he has this fear that he will go over and be building the newest lego set with Peter, and he will just slouch over and die before they can so much as finish the build.

Michelle finds out pretty quickly that Ned isn't going over to see Peter anymore. She finds it absolutely ridiculous, and tells Ned over and over again, to grow a pair of balls and spend time with his best friend. But he wont. So she takes it upon herself to do it for him.

The summer is going on, but Peter doesn't know how much longer he can keep this up.

He's sitting in the lab, which they have converted into Peter's very own hospital, and Tony's there next to him, while the I.v pumps him full of poison. Tony's sitting next to him, and he's researching all of the most recent medical journals for Pete's cancer, looking into every possible treatment plan and wondering if maybe that will be the one that works for Peter. Maybe this plan, or that plan, will get rid of this stupid disease.

 

The peach fuzz that was left in his head after the great shave with Ned, is gone now. There isn't a single hair on his body, and Peter didn't expect that. He knew people on Chemotherapy lost their hair, but he was naive enough to think the loss was exclusive to the head. There isn't so much as a single hair on his head, not even an eyelash, let alone a hair on his leg, or even a little hair in his toes.

Peter thinks he looks absolutely ridiculous.

But he feels much worse than he looks.

There are fireworks in the sky, it's Steves birthday and everyone is celebrating. The team is outside, grilling various foods, and drinking way more than they should. Peter feels normal then. He's sitting on the grass, next to Michelle, on a blanket Natasha laid out for him. Hes nibbling on some corn, eating a couple potato chips alongside his coveted caramel flavored meal replacement shake. It's the most he has eaten in several months. And he feels so good, until he doesn't.

One minute he's sitting there laughing. He's enjoying himself and joking alongside the members of the team, and then be starts coughing. It's a wet cough, the kind that almost makes him sound like he's drowning. Instinctively, Peter puts his hand to his mouth. It's a manners thing. May always told him it was polite to cover his mouth when he coughed. Doesn't everyone's mom, or legal parental guardian, say that?

He pulls his hand away from his mouth, knowing it's wet, which is certainly odd, but he doesn't look down at it. He's afraid to.

But Tony's looking. He's looking and he looks like a deer caught in headlights. His eyes are bulging and he looks absolutely petrified, for a mere moment before covering his emotions. He doesn't want Peter to know how afraid he is. He doesn't want peter to think for even a moment that Tony doesn't think he will make it. So he fakes it. He's just a horrible liar.

“Pete, that's blood.” Michelle says just above a whisper. Peter nods.

“Let's go grab your shoes and a jacket from inside, kid. We need to get you to a hospital.” Tony says.

Peter stand up, and his legs collapse beneath him as he begins vomiting profusely all over the lawn. Aside from a little bit of potato chip, it's all blood. Bright crimson red blood. Steve, kneels beside Peter, as Tony calls Happy to bring the car. 

“You'll be okay.” Steve whispers as Peter experiences what are undoubtedly the least okay moments of his life.

Peter stops throwing up, and Steve scoops him up in his arms, and runs towards the car, Tony close behind them.

It's Steve's birthday, and he's carrying Peter, like a baby, in his arms, running as he calls Bucky on the phone, to get him to meet them at the hospital. No one is celebrating anymore.

Nurses at the hospital are hooking Peter up to medications that even Stephen has never heard of. The chemotherapy has become toxic to Peter's system. His body is red and irritated from the radiation treatments, he feels like he is covered from head to toe in a the worst sunburn known to man. Michelle is sitting next to him in the hospital bed, her arm is wrappbed around him, and his head is laying on her chest. Hes asleep. But even I'm sleep, it's blatantly obvious that he's in a lot of pain.

Michelle, and May spend the night with Peter in The hospital. They pump him full of fluids and book him up with a pain pump, so that he can constantly have access to morphine to make him feel better.

It's fall, and they find out that the treatments aren't helping Peter. They are just making everything worse. The treatments are killing Peter faster than the cancer, and they have to stop giving them to Peter before they succeed. He won't make it through the end of the year. There's not a chance, Bruce says.

“Tony, I need to step down from the team.” Peter says quietly.

“Are we talking the debate team?” Tony asks. “Because you and I both know they are never not going to have a spot saved just for you on that team.” 

“The Avengers. I can't do it Mr. Stark. I can't walk to the bathroom by myself most days, or stand up in the shower, let alone save the world. Or even my neighborhood.” Peter says quietly. “Im gonna die, Mr. Stark.”

“Absolutely not.” Tony says. “You're sick, okay? But that doesn't mean you can't be on the team. We need you. We will never not need you regardless of the chair in your shower.” 

 

Peter knows he won't live much longer, but he wants to live while he still has the chance. He and Tony go and do everything Peter has ever wanted. They go, with Aunt May, and they see The Grand Canyon, in Arizona. They hike to the Delicate Arch, in Utah. They see the California redwoods, and Tony takes him to vegas, with a fake ID ironically provided by the government, and allows Peter to gamble away a couple thousand dollars. He doesn't win back a single cent.

They go to Disneyland. Tony pushes Peter around in a wheelchair, and forces him to wear the classic Mickey Mouse Club ears. He's not up for any rides, but Tony gets him in to see the theme park being erected by Disney, honoring the avengers. There are rides designed to go as fast as possible, and exhibitions honoring each hero. They have a slingshot ride, as an homage to Spider-Man, with his web slinging. Peter feels honored, that even though he won't make it much longer, there will be people to remember him forever.

It's the night before the first day of school, and all of Peter's friends are getting ready to start their senior year of school. Peter is planning his own funeral. He asks Tony to speak at it, whenever it happens. Tony can't deny him of that.

He talks to Tony, about how badly he is hurting. He's in so much pain, and none of the medications Stephen gives him are helping him. He hurts so badly that he wants to die. Except, he doesn't really want to die, he wants to live, so badly, he just wishes he could live, without hurting so bad. He wishes he could just live a little longer than he is going to. He just wants to live.

 

Michelle sleeps over at headquarters that night. Which is something that normally even Tony wouldn't allow. But they let them. 

“Every night before I go to sleep i worry that I'll die in my sleep, alone.” Peter admits.

Michelle talks to Tony and May about that. And to the shock of everyone, May suggests that they get her a bed, to stay in Peter's room with him. Pretty quick, that problem is solved though, when Peter gets a hospital bed to sleep in, and Michelle takes over his old bed. She sleeps there every single night.

He goes to school a few times. On the days he's feeling better than usual, he is able to pop in for a debate practice. It makes him feel normal again, like hes just like everyone else, even though he isn't. 

He appreciates Michelle's company. They connect in ways that Peter didn't expect, and he finds her so easy to talk to. He isn't afraid to be open and honest with her about how he's feeling. He can tell her when he is in pain. He can tell her when he feels sick, tired, or both. He can tell her when he wants to die and she doesn't judge him. He knows he can tell her anything and she would never even consider judging him.

They talk a lot, late at night. 

“What are the things you want to do before you die?” Michelle asks late one night.

“I did almost all of the things I could dream of with Tony and May.” Peter admits

“Almost?” Michelle asks

“Yeah. But i can't tell you the other thing because it will sound insanely stupid.” Peter says.

“I bet I could guess.” Michelle taunts.

“Go for it.” Peter smirks.

“Don't want to die a virgin?” Michelle guesses. Peters face turns bright red.

“I'm not!” Peter says laughing. It's the first time he had laughed in months.

“Yes you are. And It's obvious.” Michelle says.

After that night, he can die knowing he at least got to have sex once.

It's winter, and it's so god damned cold in New York, the cold is cruel towards Peter. He's always been so small, but the cancer made him even smaller. He's always got a sweatshirt on, with a long sleeved shirt underneath, and a blanket on top. There's always at least one other member of the team, sitting on either side of him on the couch, close enough that they can keep him warm too. He prefers having Steve and Tony, Steve, being the warmest on the team, and Tony, because he's Tony.

Tony is sitting next to him, underneath a blanket, and Peters asleep. There's a little bit of hair starting to grow back on Peters scalp. Peter insists it's itchy though, and chooses to shave it off. He doesn't want to look stupid. He's always convinced he does though.

Michelle Doesn't sugar coat anything, and admits that Peter does look pretty stupid.

It's Christmas Eve, and Peter won't stop thanking Tony. Thanking him for giving him a chance. Thanking him for changing his life. Thanking him for loving him, for being the dad he never had. Tony tells him over and over again, that he wouldn't have done it any other way. They are sitting in front of a haphazardly decorated Christmas tree, and Peter tells Tony that he's sorry. He's sorry that he's going to leave. He's sorry that he couldn't beat the cancer. He's sorry if he ever disappointed Tony. Tony's crying. Peter has never been a disappointment. He's never stopped being proud of Peter. Peter, is his hero.

It's Christmas, and Peter can hardly stay awake. He knows he's really dying. He knows he won't be around for much longer, no matter how much he wants to. The entire team is congregated in Tony's apartment, just to be closer to Peter. Everyone is touching him, just to feel him while they can. He's laying on the couch, on top of Steve, Tony, and Bucky. Natasha is sitting on the ground in front of him, with Thor, and Bruce. They all keep looking at him. Peter understands. He knows they are just trying to cement him into their memories, but Peter would give anything if they didn't have to remember him like this.

Michelle and him talk for less time than usual that night. She gives him his Christmas present. A spiderman beanie. Peter jokingly insists he is buried in it. Michelle laughs, because no matter how much the thought of seeing Peter in a casket sooner rather than later hurts her heart, she's glad she had the chance to make the memories she made with Peter.

It's New Years eve, and Peter hasn't woken up since Christmas. Bruce is smiling sadly. He had told Peter he wouldn't live to see the new year, and as the clock ticks past midnight, he recognizes what a stubborn kid Peter is, showing everyone he could prove him wrong, showing them that he can make it to see the new year.

Michelle calls Ned.

“Ned, he's going, and if you want to say goodbye this will be your last chance.” She says softly.

It's two minutes into New Years day, only two minutes past midnight, and Peters heart stops beating. 

May is sobbing. So is everyone else, and Michelle is the one to call Ned. He's screaming about how sorry he is that he wasn't there, that be wasn't there the entire time. He feels like he's betrayed Peter. This time, Michelle sugar coats it.

“Ned, you were his best friend and he loved you.” Even though, in the end she was his best friend. He loved her. 

It's January, and everyone Peter knows is gathered in the conference room at headquarters. There's a shiny, bright red casket at the front of the room. Inside it lays Peter Parker, Spider-Man, donned in a beautifully tailored black tuxedo, and a red Spider-Man beanie, with a pair of converse on his feet. 

Everyone in the room, is looking at Tony, looking to him, expecting him to say something that will somehow make all of this better. But Tony doesn't have anything good to say. There's nothing he could do to make this better.

-and if you die, i feel like that's on me-


End file.
